By Wayne Clapp

God's Word sets high standards for friendships. David and Jonathan are a good example of true, biblical friends. As we look at their relationship, we will see "real friends" in action. There are three qualities in their friendship that will help define what real friends should be. Getting a clear picture of these three characteristics should help us be better friends and cultivate better friendships.

1. Real friends love each other.
2. Real friends speak well to each other and of each other.
3. Real friends are faithful and never forget each other.

Our friendships may fall short of the standard of God's Word. However, God's Word declares there is a "friend that sticketh closer than a brother." When we find a friend like that, we will have a friend for life.

Developing friendships is not always easy, but God has given us all things that pertain to life and godliness in His Word. In it we can find the keys and principles that will allow us to develop godly friendships and enjoy the blessings of having real friends in our lives.

Real friends love each other.

Almost immediately upon meeting each other David and Jonathan became best of friends.

1 Samuel 18:1:
And it came to pass, when he [David] had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. [The New Living Translation says, "There was an immediate bond of love between them, and they became the best of friends."]

Their personal maturity, integrity, and love for God provided such a common ground on which to base their friendship that it did not take months for their friendship to develop. Although it may be unusual in the secular realm for a friendship to develop this quickly, it is not as unusual within the family of God. Like-minded men and women of quality and character with a solid foundation in the Word of God may find their relationships develop very quickly. David and Jonathan were men of real integrity who respected each other, and their friendship developed very rapidly.

1 Samuel 18:2,3:
And Saul took him [David] that day, and would let him go no more home to his father's house.
3 Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul. [The New Living Translation says, "And Jonathan made a special vow to be David's friend...."

Verse three repeats that Jonathan loved David "as his own soul." Jonathan was as concerned about David as he was about himself. He cared about David's welfare as much as he did about his own. Jonathan's love was not fickle. It was dear and constant.

Proverbs 17:17:
A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Real friends love each other at all times. Love with strings attached cannot be constant. Those that are fickle or selfish in their friendship will love no longer than their mood is pleased and their interest served. Therefore their affections turn with the wind and change like the weather. A real friend loves at all times, and if we are to be real friends, so must we.

Real Friends speak well to each other and of each other.

Jonathan soon finds himself in a precarious position.

1 Samuel 19:1-2a:
And Saul spake to Jonathan his son, and to all his servants, that they should kill David.
2 But Jonathan Saul's son delighted much in David:

Saul wants David dead and instructs Jonathan and his servants to kill him. However, David is Jonathan's dearest friend. Jonathan's friendship with David, obliges him to tell David the truth about his father's plan.

1 Samuel 19:2b-7:
...and Jonathan told David, saying, Saul my father seeketh to kill thee: now therefore, I pray thee, take heed to thyself until the morning, and abide in a secret place, and hide thyself:
3 And I will go out and stand beside my father in the field where thou art, and I will commune with my father of thee; and what I see, that I will tell thee.
4 And Jonathan spake good of David unto Saul his father, and said unto him, Let not the king sin against his servant, against David; because he hath not sinned against thee, and because his works have been to thee-ward very good:
5 For he did put his life in his hand, and slew the Philistine, and the LORD wrought a great salvation for all Israel: thou sawest it, and didst rejoice: wherefore then wilt thou sin against innocent blood, to slay David without a cause?
6 And Saul hearkened unto the voice of Jonathan: and Saul sware, As the LORD liveth, he shall not be slain.
7 And Jonathan called David, and Jonathan shewed him all those things. And Jonathan brought David to Saul, and he was in his presence, as in times past.

Not only does Jonathan warn David, but he speaks up on David's behalf to the king. That's a real friend. He involves himself. Jonathan did not stand idly by. Jonathan knew Saul was wrong, and he respectfully re- proved and corrected him according to God's Word. He interceded for his friend and was able to patch things up between Saul and David. However, the peace did not last for very long because Saul again tries to kill David. David flees for his life and guess where he goes. He goes to his best friend Jonathan and pours out his heart to him.

Remember how Moses used to talk things over with God? When he did not like things, he told God about it. When he did not understand something, he asked God to explain it. He went to God boldly and spoke his mind honestly. Therefore it was said in Exodus 33:11 that the LORD spake unto Moses "face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend." That's how David and Jonathan talked, face to face. They did not let anything come between them. David has something pressing on his heart and he goes directly to Jonathan to talk about it.

1 Samuel 20:1-2:
And David fled from Naioth in Ramah, and came and said before Jonathan, What have I done? what is mine iniquity? and what is my sin before thy father, that he seeketh my life?
2 And he said unto him, God forbid; thou shalt not die: behold, my father will do nothing either great or small, but that he will shew it me: and why should my father hide this thing from me? it is not so.

David pours his heart out to Jonathan, and Jonathan responds by telling him that he is wrong in his assessment of the situation.

1 Samuel 20:3:
And David sware moreover, and said, Thy father certainly knoweth that I have found grace in thine eyes; and he saith, Let not Jonathan know this, lest he be grieved: but truly as the LORD liveth, and as thy soul liveth, there is but a step between me and death.

David counters his friend's assertion even more vehemently and explains how serious this situation has gotten. After all, his life was at stake.

1 Samuel 20:4:
Then said Jonathan unto David, Whatsoever thy soul desireth, I will even do it for thee.

David convinces Jonathan who responds by asking how he can help. David then makes a specific request of Jonathan.

1 Samuel 20:5-8a:
And David said unto Jonathan, Behold, to morrow is the new moon, and I should not fail to sit with the king at meat: but let me go, that I may hide myself in the field unto the third day at even.
6 If thy father at all miss me, then say, David earnestly asked leave of me that he might run to Bethlehem his city: for there is a yearly sacrifice there for all the family.
7 If he say thus, It is well; thy servant shall have peace: but if he be very wroth, then be sure that evil is determined by him.
8 Therefore thou shalt deal kindly with thy servant; for thou hast brought thy servant into a covenant of the LORD with thee....

David tells Jonathan the plan, and then reminds him of the agreement they had made before God to be friends. David does not mind imposing on the friendship because he knows he is in the right.

1 Samuel 20:8b:
...notwithstanding, if there be in me iniquity, slay me thyself; for why shouldest thou bring me to thy father?

David was not taking advantage of their friendship. He was not asking Jonathan to cover up his sin. David was innocent and not worthy of death. He would have never asked for Jonathan's assistance, if it required Jonathan to do the wrong thing. He simply requested Jonathan to come through for him as a real friend. David challenged Jonathan to slay him himself, if he was in the wrong and Saul in the right. These were men of integrity and they did the right thing.

1 Samuel 20:9-13:
And Jonathan said, Far be it from thee: for if I knew certainly that evil were determined by my father to come upon thee, then would not I tell it thee?
10 Then said David to Jonathan, Who shall tell me? or what if thy father answer thee roughly?
11 And Jonathan said unto David, Come, and let us go out into the field. And they went out both of them into the field.
12 And Jonathan said unto David, O LORD God of Israel, when I have sounded my father about to morrow any time, or the third day, and, behold, if there be good toward David, and I then send not unto thee, and shew it thee;
13 The LORD do so and much more to Jonathan: but if it please my father to do thee evil, then I will shew it thee, and send thee away, that thou mayest go in peace: and the LORD be with thee [i.e. when you are king], as he hath been with my father [when he was king].

Jonathan was aware that God had anointed David to be the next king. His support and protection of David would cost him the throne. Jonathan still did the right thing even though he knew what it would cost him. All he wanted from David was for him to remember their friendship and be a faithful friend, too.

1 Samuel 20:14-15:
And thou shalt not only while yet I live shew me the kindness of the LORD, that I die not:
15 But also thou shalt not cut off thy kindness from my house for ever: no, not when the LORD hath cut off the enemies of David every one from the face of the earth.

It was important to Jonathan that David remain a faithful friend. After all this was over and David was king, Jonathan wanted David to still remember their friendship.

1 Samuel 20:16-17:
So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, Let the LORD even require it at the hand of David's enemies.
17 And Jonathan caused David to swear again, because he loved him: for he loved him as he loved his own soul.

Jonathan then explains the plan to David whereby he would communicate Saul's intentions and concludes saying:

1 Samuel 20:23:
And as touching the matter which thou and I have spoken of, behold, the LORD be between thee and me for ever.

Jonathan and David kept God at the center of their friendship. They had made a covenant before the Lord to be friends and they remained faithful to it. Then the story proceeds and Jonathan tells Saul that David left to be with his family. Saul then gets angry as David said he would, and Jonathan realizes that David was indeed right in being concerned for his life. Jonathan again tries to speak up on David's behalf, and it almost costs him his life.

1 Samuel 20:30-33:
Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother's nakedness?
31 For as long as the son of Jesse liveth upon the ground, thou shalt not be established, nor thy kingdom. Wherefore now send and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die.
32 And Jonathan answered Saul his father, and said unto him, Wherefore shall he be slain? what hath he done?
33 And Saul cast a javelin at him to smite him: whereby Jonathan knew that it was determined of his father to slay David.

At one moment Saul wants Jonathan to reign after him, and the next moment in anger, he tries to kill him. No wonder Proverbs 22:24 says, "Make no friendship with an angry man...."

1 Samuel 20:34-39:
So Jonathan arose from the table in fierce anger, and did eat no meat the second day of the month: for he was grieved for David, because his father had done him shame.
35 And it came to pass in the morning, that Jonathan went out into the field at the time appointed with David, and a little lad with him.
36 And he said unto his lad, Run, find out now the arrows which I shoot. And as the lad ran, he shot an arrow beyond him.
37 And when the lad was come to the place of the arrow which Jonathan had shot, Jonathan cried after the lad, and said, Is not the arrow beyond thee?
38 And Jonathan cried after the lad, Make speed, haste, stay not. And Jonathan's lad gathered up the arrows, and came to his master.
39 But the lad knew not any thing: only Jonathan and David knew the matter.

Jonathan spoke well of David to his father. The first time he successfully mended the breech, but the next time he was not able to, so he sent David away to safety. Jonathan and David talked face to face and worked through a very difficult situation and still maintained their friendship. Even though their lives were at stake, they kept God at the center of their friendship.

Proverbs also has many other verses that deal with "speaking" and "friendship."

Proverbs 16:28:
A froward man soweth strife: and a whisperer [gossip] separateth chief [close, intimate, the best of] friends. [The New Living Translation: "A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends."]

A froward man, is jealous of true friendships for he never has any of his own. Rather he will do everything he can to set at variance those who are friends. He will try to cause division and alienate their affection toward each other. Driven by envy, he makes it is his business to sow strife, by telling lies, starting rumors, and doing anything else he can to make them angry at or at least suspicious of one another. Real friends do not allow anyone to come between them and sever their friendship. They do not listen to gossip or rumors, but go directly to each other and work things out, face to face.

Problems do come up. Hurtful things may be said and done which have to be worked out.

Proverbs 17:9:
He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.

Proverbs 17:9: New Revised Standard Version
One who forgives an affront fosters friendship, but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend.

When something comes up, get it resolved quickly. If there was a hurt, someone has to be forgiving. I Corinthians 6:7 and 8 asks, why not take the wrong and be defrauded, rather than be wrong and defraud your brother. Somebody has got to be the peace maker, the first to forgive.

Lying is very damaging to friendships. Because of the closeness of the relationships that develops, hurts between friends can run very deep.

Proverbs 26:18-19: New Living Translation
Just as damaging as a mad man shooting a lethal weapon
19 is someone who lies to a friend and then says, "I was only joking."

Proverbs 18:19: New Living Translation
It's harder to make amends with an offended friend than to capture a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with iron bars.

Just as saying the wrong thing damages friendships, saying the right thing builds them.

Proverbs 27:9:
Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man's friend by hearty counsel.

Just like ointment and perfume makes the heart rejoice, the hearty counsel of a friend makes the friendship sweeter. When you follow good advice and it blesses you, you are just naturally thankful. What better counsel can be given than the truth of the wonderful Word of God.

Proverbs 12:26: New Living Translation
The godly give good advice to their friends; the wicked lead them astray.

Proverbs 27:17:
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.

Pay attention to what you are saying! Remember to think before you speak. The words you speak to each other and the words that you speak about one another to others can make your friendship get better and better.

Real friends are faithful and never forget one another.

David fled to the wilderness and lived on the run from Saul. Although they no longer saw much of each other, they remained the best of friends. They were faithful to their covenant of friendship before the Lord and never forgot each other.

1 Samuel 23:16-18:
And Jonathan Saul's son arose, and went to David into the wood, and strengthened his hand in God.
17 And he said unto him, Fear not: for the hand of Saul my father shall not find thee; and thou shalt be king over Israel, and I shall be next unto thee; and that also Saul my father knoweth.
18 And they two made a covenant before the LORD: and David abode in the wood, and Jonathan went to his house

Jonathan sought David out and blessed and encouraged him. We all need friends who are willing and able to strengthen our hand in God. They intended to reunite and serve together, but Jonathan's death thwarted their plan. David laments the death of Jonathan and remembers his love and faithfulness. Moreover David was faithful to remember his promise to Jonathan, his friend.

2 Samuel 9:1-7:
And David said, Is there yet any that is left of the house of Saul, that I may shew him kindness for Jonathan's sake?
2 And there was of the house of Saul a servant whose name was Ziba. And when they had called him unto David, the king said unto him, Art thou Ziba? And he said, Thy servant is he.
3 And the king said, Is there not yet any of the house of Saul, that I may shew the kindness of God unto him? And Ziba said unto the king, Jonathan hath yet a son, which is lame on his feet.
4 And the king said unto him, Where is he? And Ziba said unto the king, Behold, he is in the house of Machir, the son of Ammiel, in Lodebar.
5 Then king David sent, and fetched him out of the house of Machir, the son of Ammiel, from Lodebar.
6 Now when Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, was come unto David, he fell on his face, and did reverence. And David said, Mephibosheth. And he answered, Behold thy servant!
7 And David said unto him, Fear not: for I will surely shew thee kindness for Jonathan thy father's sake, and will restore thee all the land of Saul thy father; and thou shalt eat bread at my table continually.

David was faithful and did not forget. He showed the kindness of God to Mephibosheth. How will people ever know the kindness of God unless someone shows it to them. David kept his promise to Jonathan even after his death. Real friends are faithful and never forget each other.

Proverbs 27:10a:
Thine own friend, and thy father's friend, forsake not;

Proverbs 18:24b:
A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.

If a man is to have friends he must be friendly. Not just occasionally, but faithfully, day in and day out. Fidelity is an absolute necessary in a true friend. However, there may be times when our friends do forsake us. Like Job, we may find ourselves alone and facing difficulties without the aide of our friends.

Job 19:14-22:
My kinsfolk have failed, and my familiar friends have forgotten me.
15 They that dwell in mine house, and my maids, count me for a stranger: I am an alien in their sight.
16 I called my servant, and he gave me no answer; I intreated him with my mouth.
17 My breath is strange to my wife, though I intreated for the children's sake of mine own body.
18 Yea, young children despised me; I arose, and they spake against me.
19 All my inward friends abhorred me: and they whom I loved are turned against me.
20 My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth.
21 Have pity upon me, have pity upon me, O ye my friends; for the hand of God hath touched me.
22 Why do ye persecute me as God, and are not satisfied with my flesh?

Job's friends turned out miserable comforters. They failed him in his time of need. However, we never need face any situation alone. Solomon was aware of Job's predicament yet he declares that "there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother." It is certain that Solomon had many friends. Proverbs says that the rich have many friends (14:20;19:4,6). Ecclesiastes 2:10 says Solomon withheld nothing from himself that he desired, but he found it all "vanity of vanities." However, "the friend that sticketh closer than a brother" was not found in the vanities of the world.

The world's friendship is fragile, at best. Micah 7:5 says, "Trust ye not in a friend...." Yet Solomon says in Proverbs 18:24 that there is "a friend that sticketh closer than a brother." He did not find him while pursuing his unbridled pleasures, nor while squandering his unlimited resources. Rather he found him in the person of the Messiah, the Son of God, the friend of publicans and sinners. Yes, Jesus Christ is "a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

John 15:12-17:
This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.
13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
14 Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.
15 Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.
16 Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.
17 These things I command you, that ye love one another.

Is Christ your friend? Then you must show yourself friendly. Jesus said, "Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you." He also said in John 13:17 "If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them." Christ Jesus has proven his friendship to us, and as we do what the Word says we prove ours to him. He will never wilt under pressure. He will remain faithful to us despite our faults and shortcomings. Oh, that everyone would find a friend in Jesus. Have you found a friend in Jesus? Can your heart sing....

In Song of Solomon 2:1 he's "the lily of the valley." In Revelation 22:16 he's "the bright and morning star." In Song of Solomon 5:10 he's "the fairest of ten thousand to my soul." And in Proverbs 18:24 he's "a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

We can certainly see those three characteristics in the life of our Lord Jesus Christ. Was he not known as the friend of Publicans and sinners? Did he not prove his love in that he laid down his life for us? Did he not speak well of us and to us as he made known unto us all things that he had heard of the Father? He is faithful and never forgets us, being the same yesterday and today and forever.

We do our best to be real friends by loving, speaking appropriately, and staying faithful. We enjoy our friendship with our Lord Jesus Christ doing our best to return the friendship by keeping his commandments. We are never alone because we have a friend that sticks closer than a brother, the Lord Jesus Christ

Developing Real Friendships

God has given us all things that pertain to life and godliness in His Word. Of course, that would include keys and principles for developing friendships. Friendliness is an art and can be refined. As we apply ourselves we can get better at the art of living and cultivate real friends.

An appreciation for others is fundamental to friendship. Relationships develop as we learn to bless others and be blessed by them. Good friendships can go a long way to helping us walk for God, strengthening each other as we go. In God's Word we can find the keys and principles that will allow us to develop godly friendships and enjoy the blessings of having real friends in our lives.

This list is by no means exhaustive, but it should help you begin to develop real friendships.

1. Be friendly, develop a genuine interest in other people.
2. Allow time for friendships to develop.
3. Do not expect perfection in your friends. Learn to work out difficulties.
4. Love your friends enough to talk to them about things that are important to you.
5. Allow your friends to have other friends too. Continue to develop close relationships with several people.

Key #1 - Be friendly, develop a genuine interest in other people.

The beginning of Proverbs 18:24 says, "A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly...." In How To Win Friends and Influence People Dale Carnegie stated that "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." Paying special attention to others, expressing concern for the way others feel, showing appreciation for things others do, listening attentively to what others say, and asking questions are all ways to cultivate a genuine interest in other people. Don't forget to smile! There's nothing you do that better communicates you are friendly.

Key #2 - Allow time for friendships to develop.

Do not be in a hurry, allow time for friendships to develop. The New International Version of Proverbs 12:26 says, "A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray." Do not force doors of friendship open. Rather, like Jesus in Revelation 3:20, simply stand at the door and knock. If the door is opened to you, you may proceed. Some relationships you have with people may never develop into close friendships. Do not let that bother you. If you are open and friendly, with everyone, God will guide you and show you where deep friendships may be developed.

Key #3 - Do not expect perfection in your friends.
Learn to work out difficulties.

The Lord Jesus Christ is the only perfect man. The rest of us make mistakes, so do not expect perfection in your friends. You may be hurt or be hurtful. There may be times when your words or actions are misunderstood, but take the time to explain and listen to explanations. Apologies and forgiveness may be common place as you begin new friendships. Whatever happens, learn how to work through difficulties.

Key #4 - Love your friends enough to talk to them about things that are important to you.

Jesus said he called his disciples "friends" because all the things that he heard of the Father he made known unto them. Doing God's Word and will was important to him. He always did his Father's will. Friends will never develop mutual respect and admiration by staying on superficial issues. Talk about your faith in God and the lordship of Jesus Christ in your life. When your friends do the wrong thing, let them know you do not agree. Talk to them about lying, stealing, drinking and driving, etc. Confrontation need not be loud or vicious. It can be done lovingly and firmly. Remember there will likely be times you will be on the receiving end of the reproof and correction. Gentleness and kindness will encourage your friends as you work through important issues. Your personal integrity will draw people of integrity to you. Iron sharpens iron because of the friction between them. It is unlikely that you and your friends will sharpen one another without a little friction. Make each other better and keep walking on the Word.

Key #5 - Allow your friend to have other friends, too.

Friendships are more about commitment than control. Trust is developed through faithfulness over time. Nothing suffocates friendships more than trying to control your friends. Do not demand exclusive rights to their time or friendship. Enjoy the freedom to develop other friendships. Let your circle of friends grow and continue to develop close relationships with several people. Friends should complement each other not dominate or stifle each other.

Summary

You should be better equipped to identify and develop "real friends."

1. Real friends love each other.
2. Real friends speak well to each other and of each other.
3. Real friends are faithful and never forget each other.

Start applying the keys, and you will enjoy true friendships.

1. Be friendly, develop a genuine interest in other people.
2. Allow time for friendships to develop. Do not rush things.
3. Do not expect perfection in your friends. Learn to work out difficulties. Apologies and forgiveness are very important.
4. Love your friends enough to talk to them about things that are important to you.
5. Allow your friends to have other friends too. Continue to develop close relationships with several people.

Above all, remember that Jesus Christ is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. In any and every sorrow or trouble, he will be there. He is the same yesterday, today and forever, and he will always be with you. Indeed his love makes us more than a conqueror. By following his example we will be a better friend, strengthening the hand of our friends in God.